The Cognitive Skills Your Child Needs to Stop Tantrums
A Few Main Points:
A common frustration for parents is that when they ask their child to do something relatively simple (put away your toys, let’s get ready for bed, stop doing that) that they know their child understood and is capable of doing… they often won’t.
*** Only a language screening can tell you for sure if your child is understanding everything you’re saying. You’d be amazed how even young children will “smile and nod” and look like they understand when they don’t!! Often times they think they heard something different, and it can be very traumatic for these kids to get in trouble for “not listening” when they don’t understand what the real expectation was ***
But once you know language isn’t the issue… what gives? Why do some kids have all the energy in the world to run and play, but are “so tired” or completely meltdown when they need to follow some instructions they dislike?
Most of the world will call that “bad behaviour” or “acting out” and leave it there. Or maybe they’ll blame the parents. But we’ll dig deeper than that because neuroscience makes it make way more sense!
Our human brains have evolved a very helpful set of skills called executive functions which are housed in the prefrontal cortex/right at the very front of your brain. You also might recognize them as “cognitive skills” or that this part of the brain people often say isn’t fully developed until adulthood.
We develop the below skills both as a basis of our genetics, the health of our brain as we’re growing, and how often we got to practice them growing up. Children with ADHD, trauma, or autism often struggle with executive functioning, even when they have above average intelligence!
Executive functions are the skills your brain uses for planning, focus, self-control, awareness, and flexibility.
Planning: Coming up with steps, managing time, knowing when to start or stop, setting a realistic goal, etc.
Focus: Concentrating on what’s most important at a given moment, not reacting to distractions
Self-Control: The ability to act with intention in response to our emotions and stressful situations
Awareness: Noticing the important factors in people and situations around us and how our actions affect our environment
Flexibility: Being able to receive new information and adapt your plans, ideas, or views to accommodate.
What Could Struggling With These Skills Look Like For Some Of Us?
PLANNING:
Adults:
Looking at your to-do list and feeling overwhelmed before you can even start.
Running late and not meeting deadlines because you’re always over-committed.
You get told you need to improve your numbers at work, and can’t decide what changes would best accomplish that.
Children:
It’s time to get ready for bed, and your child immediately gets overwhelmed by all the steps they know will be required.
When you give your child instructions, they do them backwards, miss a step, or out of order.
You tell your child “Stop that!” and they can’t figure out something else to do instead.
Focus:
Adults:
Not getting to your highest priority task because you were too busy putting out fires all day.
You went into the kitchen for a snack but started putting away things and forgot to eat entirely.
Needing your kids to stop talking and giggling in the backseat when you are driving through a bad storm.
Children:
Before they can listen to you, they have to show you a cool move and ask a hundred unrelated questions.
Starting to follow your directions, but then stopping halfway through to play with a toy they saw on the floor.
Needing to look down and fidget with a toy in order to focus on processing the words someone is saying.
Self-control:
Adults:
Snipping and being irritable with your spouse and kids when you’ve had a hard day and they’re asking for a lot.
Avoiding or procrastinating on tasks when you think they might go poorly.
You want to be healthier, but can’t seem to cut back on your relaxation ritual of alcohol and snack foods.
Children:
Meltdowns in the store because getting dressed and out of the house was already a lot within an hour.
Acting goofy or silly in response to a demand that’s stressful, to keep the interaction fun and happy instead.
Hearing you calling, but not being able to pull their focus from the TV to act.
Awareness:
Adults:
Getting a speeding ticket because you missed that there was a new sign posted in your neighborhood.
One spouse never seems to notice when certain chores need to be done around the house.
Your employee comes in late, and you reprimand them before remembering they’re a newly single mother of five and had tried to call.
Children:
Need to be reminded about social norms like “indoor voice” or “share”.
Knowing about a rule, but not recognizing the moment to use it. Running through the house with muddy boots and making a mess.
Tantruming at a parent for something they cannot control (my snack is gone) or for something that was helpful (you gave me exactly what I asked for!)
Flexibility:
Adults:
When something costs considerably more than you thought it would, you have to “think about it” even when you know you have the money and really need to make the purchase.
Someone suggests an alternative to your idea or perspective, and your first response is to defend/debate rather than consider & compromise.
Realizing you’re not going to achieve an important goal by your timeline is devastating, so you give up on it. You failed to acknowledge there were setbacks and adjust your plans and expectations accordingly.
Children:
Transitioning away from a favourite activity or turning off the TV is challenging. Children might have tantrums or take considerable time to shift gears to something new.
You try to introduce your child to a new food, new play action, or new label (e.g., dogs can also be animals), and your child protests immediately.
When you tell your child they need to wait for your attention or will get what they’re asking for later, they continue to repeat themselves, get louder, and may become distressed because they had an expectation of NOW.
Remember…
Executive function skills are demanding for your brain! So even when you do have the skills developed, they can be hard to use when you’re tired or if the end result doesn’t naturally give your brain enough of a happy satisfied neurotransmitter “boost”.
As an adult, when I complete chores around the house my brain rewards me with feelings of satisfaction, accomplishment, and relief that there’s one less thing to do. After a long day at work that might not be enough to motivate me to use my executive functioning skills, but on Sunday afternoon after a relaxing weekend it’s pretty easy!
Fortunately for children, they don’t carry around stress about “things that need to get done”... but that also means they don’t get the same positive feelings we do from using their executive functions to comply with our demands. In fact, we often ask children to do some of their hardest thinking to do things that inadvertently punish them (e.g., “Turn off the TV time to leave” … Child turns off the TV only to be put into uncomfortable clothes and hurried along by a stressed out parent because they’re late). This means that next time, their brain will be LESS likely to turn off the TV quickly - it was energy intensive and unpleasant!
So, How Can You Help Your Child Improve Their Executive Functioning?
1 - Provide supportive opportunities for them to practice, make mistakes, and correct themselves with the least amount of adult intervention possible. Try waiting to see if your distracted child can catch themselves and get back on track on their own in time, if not, encourage them to remember their task rather than telling them exactly what to do.
2 - Help them see the rewards! If your child uses their executive functioning skills for a task that isn’t naturally rewarding to them yet, point out why it’s rewarding to you. Draw your child’s attention to how awesome their clean room looks, or tell them how much you love playing with them because they let you have a turn. This builds up their intrinsic motivation for these kinds of activities.
3 - Model executive functioning by thinking out loud. You can teach your child how to respond to situations by showing them how to think and act. For example, you could look at something you want and say “Wow I really want ice cream right now! I’m so sad we don’t have it. Let’s get ice cream tomorrow, today I’ll eat a cookie.”
Is My Child’s Executive Function Normal? Still Unsure?
If you have concerns about your child’s executive function, it’s best to talk to a professional. Psychologists and doctors can diagnose your child with ADHD and/or Autism. A Speech-Language Pathologist can help your child improve their current skills and recommend referrals when necessary.
Book a free consult call with one of our SLPs here!
Research:
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/what-is-executive-function-and-how-does-it-relate-to-child-development/#:~:text=The%20phrase%20%E2%80%9Cexecutive%20function%E2%80%9D%20refers,focused%20despite%20distractions%2C%20among%20others.