Help! My child only interacts/ talks/pays attention to me when they want something…

Written By Admin Brighten Therapy

Here is Some Information on How to Support and Expand Your Child’s Communication:

Communicative Functions

People communicate for all sorts of different reasons. We communicate to request not only items or objects but actions or routines or changes to the quality of something (like ‘louder’ or ‘faster’ or ‘bigger’). We communicate to tell people about something interesting we see or to share our feelings about that thing. We communicate to protest what we dislike, and sometimes even negotiate on changes to make it better. We tell other people about our days and things that happen or the plots of cool books or movies. We give people directions, explanations, ask questions, give answers, and the list goes on and on.

We call these “communicative functions” and we don’t naturally know all of them right away! We need to learn that communicating something to another person improves our overall experience in order to start regularly communicating for that reason.

Here are some examples:

  • Child A routinely has a meltdown when they are overwhelmed. It involves yelling and flopping to the floor. This child’s parents try to extinguish the tantrum by ignoring it or punishing the child, as they do not want to give in to the behaviour. Over time, this child learns to control themselves and they DO NOT communicate their discomfort or negative emotions to others.

  • Child B routinely has a meltdown when they are overwhelmed. It involves yelling and flopping to the floor. This child’s parents acknowledge what the child is trying to tell them using words! They say “You’re feeling upset. It’s hard not getting what we want! I’ll give you a BIG hug to help you feel better.” Over time, this child learns to control themselves and they start to use those words to communicate their emotional state to others because they know they’ll get support!

We also have to have the language skills required to USE a communicative function before it’s possible. This is why some communicative functions are learned earlier than others.

For example:

  • Protesting requires almost NO language ability to achieve. A child can protest by saying “no” or “stop”… But they can also use shaking their head, pushing something or someone away, pointing to a picture of an ‘X’ or stop sign, and/or vocalizing with a whine, groan, or grunt. Negotiating requires CONSIDERABLE language ability (in addition to a certain degree of cognitive development).

  • A child will have to be able to understand the directions they were given, then be able to respond with their own request and additional justification. These tasks usually require the child to have advanced sentence structures like “I can’t ___ because ___” or “How about ____ instead of ____?”

Oftentimes, children with communication and/or developmental delays and disorders will learn to request the toys and snacks they like and protest the things they dislike (even before they use words!)

When children are verbal, they also often learn to label since this communication function is frequently modeled at home by parents (e.g., pointing to pictures in a book and saying their names).

THIS is often where many kids get stuck and then arrive in speech therapy. Some things these parents say are:

  • “They mostly just communicate by grabbing my hands and taking me to the thing they want me to get for them, or pointing it out”

    • This child is requesting, but that’s the only reason they initiate interaction.

  • “They know words and can name pictures in books, but then won’t use those words to ASK for the real thing” This child can label, but cannot request with these words yet.

    • They need to learn that the words can have more than one function!

  • “They’re pretty content on their own, they don’t really point out their interests to me or try to get me to look at them when they’re playing”

    • This child is not yet communicating to comment or seek attention.

  • “I wish they could tell me more about their feelings or their day or the things that happen to them”

    • This child is not using the functions of retelling events or sharing their thoughts/feelings.

  • “They prefer to play alone, they tend to leave or turn away when I interfere”

    • This child is not able to give the parent directions about how to play.

  • “They get SO upset when I have to tell them ‘NO’.. We deal with big meltdowns regularly”

    • This child is able to request, but does not have the skills to negotiate, explain, or share their thoughts/feelings.

  • “We’re dealing with misbehaviour… they avoid tasks or requests by being silly or silent”

    • This child does not have the skills to self-advocate, explain, ask for help, negotiate, or share their thoughts/feelings.

  • “Even when they’re interested in something or need help, they don’t come to me with questions.”

    • This child does not have the skills to ask questions or seek help/support.

So, What Can We Do To Help?

1 - Expand the things they can request.

  • Parents are usually great at helping their children learn to request concrete items/objects (fav foods, toys, people, etc.).

  • But then little ones will also need to learn to request a variety of different actions (spin, swing, jump, climb, open, colour, go, give, kiss, hug, tickle, sing, etc.). This further builds their vocabulary so they can start to give directions and retell events!

  • You can also help them learn basic concept vocabulary by helping them to request quality changes (fast, loud, big, short, soft, warm, wet, clean, dark, under, heavy, empty, many, blue, etc.). These words will help little ones learn to share their interests, describe, give directions, and help them begin to expand on their sentence length.

  • Some other types of requests we like to work on in therapy are requesting songs, daily routines, and locations.

2 - Model commenting/narrating A LOT.

  • The best communicative function to work on if requesting is in place? COMMENTING! We are always working with parents to help them increase the amount that they comment on and the actions they narrate throughout the day.

  • Observe your child and comment on the things that naturally catch their attention so you can share those moments with them. They’ll need to see that attracting your attention to the things they like makes it better because they’re now connecting with you too!

  • Even if your child starts just by pointing out items of interest or looking to you to share their enjoyment of fun, new, interesting things during play, this counts!!

  • We also get parents to narrate their child’s actions as they are doing them rather than asking questions like “What are you doing?” or giving a direction like “Let’s put this over here!” Directions use words that are disconnected from their child’s in-the-moment experience, and questions limit the language used in the interaction to what the child already knows rather than teaching them something new from the parent. You know so much more vocabulary than your child, so you should tell them a more advanced word or phrase for what they are doing than anything they could come up with on their own!

3 - Create opportunities + interpret for them

  • If you want your child to learn a new communicative function, you’ll need to create the context where they can experience the benefit of communicating for this reason. This often means that you create opportunities to both model and practice, then interpret and/or communicate for your child as they are learning.

  • For example, if you want your child to be able to answer “What did you do today?” then in speech therapy I would ask your child “What did you do today?” and YOU, the parent, would say “I played at the park!” and then I would tell your child “Wow! The park!” give them big smiles and pull up a picture of the park so they can see that I know where they were earlier even though I wasn’t there.

  • We also want to model the EXACT kind of language we expect kids to use ourselves. If you want your child to be able to tell you when they need help or are upset, you’ll need to say things like “I feel sad. Can I have a hug?” or “I feel mad. I’m taking a break” when your child is calm and regulated and can observe and process better than only hearing this type of communication modeled when THEY are the ones upset.

4 - Acknowledge and reinforce

  • When little ones are learning new communicative functions, it’s important to consistently acknowledge and reinforce their use or they can be lost again.

  • Many small children learn to communicate their feelings, but then as they get older lose this skill because rather than communication getting them additional support to help manage their emotions, they are invalidated, dismissed, or sometimes even punished for speaking up unnecessarily or inappropriately.

  • Sometimes children will learn how to protest with words like “no” or “stop” or “all done”... but then are consistently pushed by well-intentioned parents or teachers or therapists to keep going anyways. When this happens, many children will go back to running away, pushing, or having meltdowns right away because there’s no point in using their words anyways.

  • If communication is hard for your child, it’s important that you consistently show them the messages they are working SO HARD to convey are getting to you and that you’re listening… especially if you can’t change anything for them.

    • This can sound like:

      • “I know you really want the dentist to stop. It’s scary. He has to keep going, but I’ll play your favourite song and hold your hand to help.”

      • “You want that toy. It is SO COOL! Let’s take your picture with it to send to Santa/the tooth fairy/grandma/etc. so they know what you want!”

      • “You feel sad we don’t have ice cream. Me too! Ice cream is so yummy! Let’s put an ice cream day on the calendar. If you’re hungry now, you can pick: crackers or fruit snacks?”

Do You Need More Support?

If you are not sure if your child has achieved all the communicative functions that we expect for their age, book a free consult call with an SLP here to learn more!

Research:

Admin Brighten Therapy
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